I'm lost.

     Many things hadhappened this year, in the year 2013, when I've finally turned 21. Good times and bad times, even times that nobody ever wants it to happen to them at all. It was said that shit happens to those who just turned 21, shit as in really huge as sucky shit issues.
    
    So much shit happened to me till the point i feel that my life is exactly shithole, a really deep shithole that no matter how hard i try i"ll just sink in deeper. People says look at the bright side of life, be positive, don't think too much, and other encouraging stuff. To be honest, I've tried and I'm just too weak to stand back up. I struggle every god damn time to stand back up on my own 2 feet.
   
   My friends have told me a million times to share my problem, tell people what's wrong and what's going on in my life, talk it out. I do talk when i can, but the only reason I choose not to talk, is because I'm scared. I'm scared of what people would think of me, I'm afraid to show my weakside, I'm afraid to be judge, and I'm afraid that people wouldn't understand. Colleagues thinks that whatever I'm going through is just a pea obstacle that life is giving me. Guess what? it's not just a pea obstacle to me. 

  I want to be strong, I wanna stand firm, I wanna keep my head up high, but everytime when I'm almost there I fall back down. So many times that I've been pushed till the point that I wanna give up. Give up everything. Times that I wished I could turned back time and just start all over. Create a new life after seeing the me now and the shithole life I'm having now.

  Why I find it easier to write out how i feel? it's because through words i could write better than talking. Whatever is inside my heart it's either i express them through tears, through quotes, or through writing. Now you understand why do I always share post of quotes on facebook? People says I'm attention seeking, I don't know whether I am or not but here's the explanation to why I always share quotes and write posts alot on facebook.

  First of all, I have trust issues. Not that I don't trust anyone at all but I'm afraid to trust too much. I'm afraid that when I trust someone to tell them my problems, they judge or they share it to others. When I choose to tell it to only you, means I do trust you. But everytime when I wanna tell someone about my problems, I take a step back again, keeping it to myself.

  Second, I'm so fucking lost. I don't know whats going on with my life. I know what I want and where I wanna go in life, but whatever is going on it just makes me think twice. Do I really know? Can I really make it? What if I fail? I question myself alot. So much shit and mistakes that I've done that I just wish I could erase it and just dump it to the "forget about it" bin. Whatever had happened, I take it as a lesson which I always end up feeling like a failure because I'm just a weak useless piece of shit.

  To be honest the things that I do or the things I've done, it was never easy cause no one really understands? even after I"ve explained the reason behind it? So yea it just end up that I"ll just shut up cause the only person who understands it me. It's tough you know? it's tough as hell!! Some things that I do is just to help me survive in life. Honestly, those some things are not what I really enjoy doing.

  There are so many things that I would wanna talk it out, but I feel better writing. Friends, I hope you understand why I don't talk. All I want it just someone just someone to understand what I am and how I am. It's not easy to go through shit on my own but sometimes I just had to.

  I just want someone to be for me. A shoulder to cry on, and someone to read my problems and not judge. I won't talk my problems out, I write it out.