What do you want from me??

Where are you when i needed you the most?

Where are your supports when I'm on my lowest point?

Where is your love when I was hurt and shattered?

NO WHERE NEAR ME!!!

Came home hearing you scream at me is like the whole world came crashing at me today.

I just don't get it whats happening to my world.

You don't even know whats going on around me,the stress I'm going through,the hurt I'm having,

YOU DON'T KNOW A THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish to beg you please not throw your anger and temper around me and us cause I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do you want from me anyway??????????

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i just can't take it anymore...i don't want to break down infront of anyone anymore...

i wanna be a strong girl which i'm always trying to be..

can you please understand me??going out with friends its like a way for me to relax but why don't you get it???huh????WHY?????????????i just don't know what else to you want from me.

Even whenever I go out it's not like I'm not going home and all.....

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ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!I feel like exploding right now....

I just wished that God would just let you be me for 1day...let you feel what I'm going through everything in my everyday life.........

you just didn't know how much you've hurt me all this 18years of my life.......

especially you screamed at me....

you said I don't know how much you're hurt,but it's not like i didn't tell you where did I go and all but you just shouted at me without wanting to listen to my explanation.....

PLEASE DO STOP DOING THINGS THATS GONNA CRASH ME.

The outer me shows that I'm strong,but the inner me is not all

Bidding farewell a lil' too soon.

sept 24th,the day my godmother left me and to be at a better place.The news was a shock for me yesterday.I thought my mum was joking but seem like it was not.She's only 57,and just went to be with God just like that.why?I didn't even spend much time with her.And the last time i spend time with her was the time we went for steamboat.thats the LAST time ever.I felt that

Nobody knows what is going to happen tomorrow.

When i was at the funeral,going through the service,I thought to myself.What if I was the one inside?Will there be friend and family grieving?Will all my friends and family be there for me?Even till the last breathe of mine I still want my friends and family to be close around me.Without them I just can survive and push through everything myself.As the service ends,I see that Godma doesn't have much friends.It was a few of us there.

When the pastor ask us to look at her for the last time,i walked towards the coffin while somehow talking to her in my heart.I was telling her I love her and I know that she's in a perfect place.When I looked at her,my tears are almost rolling down from my eyes from i manage to control it.As they pushed the coffin into the van,i realised that i would never ever have a chance to see her and to spend time with her again.My heart was filled with regrets.Regreting not calling her during free time,not asking her out for makan,not going to her and visit her often.

And now...what's left is the dress my Godma bought and the memories we had.Thinking back where once i wanted to share some family problems with her but she contacted my mum.I didn't blame her for doing so.Eventhough she has bad temper but i still find it fun to talk and spend time with her.

Godma,I'm sorry for not calling and contacting you for so long...And I know you're just at the place where you're suposed to be.with God.
I will always love you and miss you.
You will always be in my heart. <3
24th September:The day we bid farewell too soon

heart-aches

my heart feels as if its started to bleed again...
the pain,I've been through times and times has came back to haunt me...
the hurt...
IT SUCKS!!!!!
even though being through it so many times I should have got over and got used to the pain,but I'm just human...
feelings are always a big influence in a humans life...
the pain of hearing the person you loved says that he hasn't let go of the person of his past hurts as a sharp knife slashing my heart repeatedly...
why must I fall for you?why am I being like that?can't I be stronger?
all I want is to protect my fragile heart,that's all...
I just don't understand why is it so hard for me to do so...
CARMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please wake up could you????????????????
He doesn't love you at all...why should you be like this....?????
You're nothing compared to his previous 1...
not even a tiny bit....!!!!!
so why are you putting high hope on this???
just forget it and let time do the thing....if his for you then he's yours,if not then just forget about it and let him be happy could you....???
JUST GROW UP...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to HIM:
I know that it's hard for you to let go of your ex,it has been a 5years relationship,I know is very hard and suffering for you...and in my heart I just know that you're waiting for that 1day to be back with her...
but I wanna tell you everything in my heart,my feelings to you through here...
I told you that it's a normal thing to get heart-aches,but to me....
heart-aches are my phobia....I'm feeling so so so hurt when I think back about what you've said....I don't know what should I do...
I really hope that there's someone who can be my shoulder and let me cry at this very moment...I really don't understand why must I go through every hard relationships...I was hoping that I can find the perfect guy that I wanted and save me from all these hurt and helping me to erase every sad things of my past...
but ended up....you're the same...bringing hurt too...
but I know it's not what you wanted....
all i want to say is...
I LOVE YOU...
and I respect any decision you make...
either is leaving me and being back with your ex or continue being with me...
I'll respect it...cause I know as long as you're happy,no matter how long will I be feeling hurt,I also will be happy for you...
happy seeing you found your happiness....

1 more last try...

I've decided to give it one more time
1 more try...
give each other a chance...even we didn't end up perfectly,it also could be a lesson for me...
a lesson or a chance for me to grow up...to grow strong...
thanks for being with me...
I appreciate every moment with you...
<3

what a day today is...the big bosses came...phew...early in the morning we've been busy till around afternoon...quite a number of new stocks came in...and lots and lots of print tees...hahaha...we just love the 1 which labelled "where is mutu?"
hahaha...it's a design which have many many many indians in it and they are asking which 1 is mutu...hahaha...and Chea Xi is super funny...she just "beh tiao thit" with that tee...keep saying"lets find mutu lets find mutu"..haha...today was a busy day but with this bunch of crazy friends as also in colleagues,we'll never be tired anymore...haha...I was in a good mood until THAT PERSON appeared...!!
ish...I just don't get some people...why must they be so stuck up??huh?because they have the looks?the have the money?of because they just think that they are super perfect?THIS PERSON came in and I was happy to see THAT PERSON,but THAT PERSON just doesn't give a damn and just gave a very "you're-annoying-wave" to me...i was like,what the fuck is your problem...i was so pissed that I didn't wanna serve them...damned!!people these days are so fucking full with bad attitude...I just remember whenever THAT person needs me,THAT PERSON will use their "super powers" to ask us to help them...
since you're so fucking proud of yourself,fine..!!go ahead and stuck up your boobs and your ass...do whatever you want...I don't wanna give a damn of you anymore...we used to be friends but is that the way you treat a friend??
THAT PERSON is so obvious that when they have new friends they just kick out their old friends...okay,if that's what you wanna do,go ahead...I'll do the same...why should I be sad over a friend like you anymore...
you go your way I'll go mine then...!!!

I don't wanna get hurt but I want to grow up...

I'm feeling the hurt again...why must I be like that?why can't I just stop feeling the hurt?I WANT TO STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!
I want to grow stronger and more mature and not letting myself being crushed by guys...I know it will take time,no matter how long it takes,how much pain I must go through...I don't want to disappoint my friends...especially those friends who cares about me...I wanna show them that 1 day I can grow strong and tough...and mature enough to settle things happening around me no matter small problem or big problem...
So what being hurt?so what if nobody wants me?
SO WHAT??!!I am a rock star,I got my rock moves...I don't need You tonight...!!!
was writing this blog while listening to Pink's So what...haha...it really changes your mood whenever you're listening to songs...
no matter what's happening around the world,how chaotic it is,I just know I'll always have my friends with me...
I love you guys...
thanks for being there when I need you...but there are thing only me can settle it...I know there are many friends who are worried and caring towards me,but there are somethings that I won't learn if i didn't have hit myself on the head...there are things as friend told me that we have to have alot of experience then that will make us grow...
to all my friends...
Don't have to worry about me...I just know
there sure gonna be 1day I'm gonna learn
my lesson and change my self into a better person...
guys...
Just wait for me...give me some time and I'll show you guys how much I have changed...
just wait for me...
=]

February 2ND 2010:
I'm gonna be brave and go through everything as tough as I can,to prove myself that I can make a change in myself...

to Him:
thanks for being part of my life
I'm going to be a perfect person...
soon...in time to come...
<3

Should I or should I not

I over slept today,woke up at 9,thanks to my mum...she some more can tell me she woke up at 8.45 but didn't even woke me up..!!while on the way to work,I asked Him a question that I've known the answer but I still want to ask...It does hurt a lil' when you've found out that there is still someone else in his heart...
but what else can I do...
even how hurt it was the day still have to go on...thanks to thaipusam or don't know whats the reason which caused the jam at Union high school,I was late for 8MINUTES!!!!!!!!!so geram....and there are just always brainless "potatoes" on the road which think as if the road belongs to them...argh...!!so frustrated with this kind of rivers...I should be the prime minster and make up some rule such as if some drivers drive as if taking their own sweet time they should be sued or something...then maybe there will be less accident...HAHA...
today was seriously tired,we had to count stock AGAIN....!!but thank God for Kimberly...haha...we both including a new comer,Claire count most of the stock at the kiosk..I and Kimberly was so happy...haha...Don't know what day is it today,there was like so many cute guys at gurney today leh...and after changing the display at the kiosk,business grown...!!!!and as in GROWN ALOT...haha...though it was tiring but I'm so happy...We went "round penang Island" searching for a place to hang out...but finally we both ended up eating curry mee in butterworth...hahaha...it was super fun trip...forst time ever going to butterworth,during midnight,searching for FOOOOooooOD...hahaha...

I'm still in the mids of wondering whether I'm being used or something,but I just feel that......
Hopefully I'm not...and hope it's the right choice for me...

Jan 24Th 2010
The day everything began to change
<3

A new D-day

It's another Sunday...but it was a happy day...My sales at work today was not bad,I'm quite satisfied...and another happy thing happened...
I've been confirmed as a full timer...!!!!yeah!!!!
seriously wanna thank God,i was so happy and grateful when my manager(Jason) told me that I've been confirmed as a full timer...hahaha...although its gonna be tiring but I just know that it will be worth it...where in the world you can find a job that lets you off on a Sunday..?seriously praise God man...haha...after work hang out with my babe,Rowenn and her bf Mou Jun and also with Shine at Winter Warmers...hee...
though they didn't know each other but at least they've talked a lil',there's just a feeling telling me that they will get along quite well...=]
<3

after that Da-ren,Choong Lim and Wei Jie came too...I just don't know why that I feel as if we don;t know each other anymore,I feel such stranger with them...we used to hang out and play like mad together,but today I just don't know why as if its the first day we hang out...maybe it's because we have been some time since we hung out together...it seriously was a crazy night...haha...they keep talking dirty till we laugh non-stop...haha...I just only wish that we this group of friends can be back like last time,always hanging out together,talking problems together...cause to me
Friends are forever no matter what happens
It has been some time since I have that feeling...I don't know whether I'm being a fool again,but I just feel that it's the right feeling...just hope that I'm moving the right move...=]

I just love today...the day I felt different...
even though I heard things about my ex which made me felt a lil' sour at first,but after hanging out with them I just feel that all I need is my them and hats enough...
=]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS...!!!!!!!!!

I really don't understand what the fuck is wrong with people these days...!why are their understanding skills are so low?fucking pissed with this sort of people...!!argh...just feel like leaving this stupid planet and go to another planet with smarter people and more considerable humans or even alien to communicate with!I don't understand why are there so many DUMB people...
You're the 1 that said you wanna go straight after you you've reach penang and why the hell are you so pissed?You the 1 that said "okay,go to tomorrows' service then" and now what the fuck is going on??suddenly said don't wanna talk to me,and another 1 saying don't know which of us are saying the right thing...come on la you both!!!!give me a break would you??
I didn't even said I don't wanna go for service is just that its so damn hot to sit motor there...!!!!by the time I reached there my make up has smudged and YOU TRY GOING TO WHILE SWEATING!!!!!!you also will being super "pekchek" la...!!I really don't understand grown ups...what is it in their brain?I said I'm going out with friends then they'll think I don't wanna go cause I want to hang out with my friends...HELLO!!!!I'm going out at night la..!!!!!!whether I did go or didn't it has nothing to do with my hang out with friends okay...please at least understand the situation before putting the blame on me for goodness sake...!!!!!
argh.......!!!!!!!!!

A memorable song

last night was hanging out at Ice with some friends...and I told 1 of them I love 1 song that my ex loves to hear...and that song was a song which I fell in love with after breaking up with him...its 听见有人叫你宝贝...this was the song my ex usually plays whenever he sees me chatting with my other ex...LOL...that song brought back many memories though...but starting from today I'm gonna let everything go,forget that song as my favourite song and live on with the new me...

No hurt no changes,more hurt more difference in us we can make

Even i don't have a boyfriend,but I know I have friends who care about me and will always be by my side no matter what...those are my BFFs
=]

I just wanna let go

yea it has been some time of You and Me ,but its just so hard to forget everything about us...its very very hard...at times I've already forgotten things and memories of us,but each time you've show up with your another new partner it hurts,I just don't know why but it hurts...all I remembered is that I've already let go every memories we've created together,even though I don't want to but I just have to...
I was a Dreamer
But I've stop dreaming of me and You
'cause you've turned every beautiful dreams of me and You into a nightmare
How i wish that there's a brain washing machine that can help you to wash all the unwanted memories away...It will be wasteful but I just wanna forget everything about Us...I just wanna let go...every little tiny memories...I just wanna see you happy with your new girl,even though it hurts alot...but a friend told me that
"If it doesn't hurt,you would never have learnt"
Its good to have friends who are mature to guide you in this sort of problem...
NOW...
all i have to do is give myself sometime just to forget the pass and wait for the future...the easiest way is just less meet up with the people who makes us feel uneasy whenever we meet and just less contact...I think it would be the best way to forget things between us,don't you think...?
I've truly whole heartedly loved You
but You've just shattered everything when the day You've hurt me
I know i should regret for not taking You back
but now i think that who's at the right or the wrong,
both of us should truly know that it was the right thing that we left each other...

Its time to Just let it go...

am I being punked?

there is always funny things happening around me...HAH...I don't know whether I'm thinking too much or what but I just felt that I've been fooled again...LOL...how dumb of me huh...after being hurt and lied time after time I still fell into the same trap...LOL...what a day for me today...first saw someone whom I don't really wanna see...I just don't understand 1 thing...why must the person that we don't wanna see anymore must always show up at the wrong time?this seriously sucks la wei...!!and because of that,it was one 1 the thing that spoilt my day...haih..!!second,being treated like in Katy Perry's song,"hot and cold"...the feeling of someone treating you hot and cold is like so sick,just like the weather...if the weather changes from hot to cold we'll get sick easily...I seriously don't understand why are there weird people like this lei...thirdly,i feel that I've being fooled again...by the same "CREATURE"...they just make me don't know whether to hate them or love them...super confusing...!!!!argh....thanks to the dumb-ness in me,I'm always into difficult relationship...weird huh?maybe is fate or what they say i don't know...HAH...Anyway,i thought I've found the Mr.Right but it just turn out to me it was only my misunderstanding..LOL...how embarrassing is that...??!!just makes me feel like finding a hole even as small as an ant hole to hide inside...my so call Mr.Right just seem to never have let go of his previous partner yet...maybe its timing problem or what but if its for me I'll just leave it to God to find my Mr. Perfect Right...=)HAH...since now that I don't belong to anyone but God,i should be happy that I'm in the process of growing up in my body,soul and mind...such a mixed up feeling for today...but i just thank God for today...and thank God for MY FRIENDSSSSsss....<3 it's Xin Fang's 18th birthday,was supposed to hang out with her togehter with my other BABES>Yoong Sien,Cha'nelle and Poh Ean but turns out that our planning to hang out together has failed...so sad...but no matter what no matter when no matter where,whenever my friends needs help,I'll be always ready to help...friends are my everything...=)

"I don't need a BF,i just need my
B-best
F-friends"

=)

<3>